“I’m not dead, I’m very much alive”
Is the statement I would like to start off with after debating with my mind whether I died 24 hours ago.
Travelling by yourself is an emotional roller-coaster. The extremities go from moments that you know will be some of the best times in your life to being the loneliest, scared and lost then you have ever been.
I’m really glad I’ve done this by myself, I needed this, but right now I’m wishing I wasn’t alone.
Day 3 of travelling alone. I currently feel like I do not want to travel alone again. it’s not that I need to travel by myself, it’s that I need to be with someone that will let me be myself.
I do realise however that this is all new to me and my feelings with probably change. I definitely doesn’t help that I thought I was dead for the last 24 hours.
“How do we know if we die, if we don’t know what it feels like to be dead. What if your mind continues showing you a movie of what your life could have been, and without realising you’re gone, dead and all of your loved ones are mourning.”
Let me take you back 24hours.
I went down to the common room in the hostel, hoping I could meet someone else I could click with not that Pasc had left. I saw I guy that I had been introduced to the day earlier but I couldn’t remember his name, he recognised me and we started talking.
“Hey I was thinking of rolling a joint and going for a walk, wanna join?
No is the answer I should have said.
we walked around the corner to a little park area with an amazing view of the bay bridge. we made small talk and got high. I quickly realised that his job is to deal drugs and was offering me a trial of his product. And I started to become more sceptical of his character. He spoke more about the regions were his weed came from. He reminded me of someone I knew but I was too terrified to put my finger on it in fear it was a bad character.
He told me there was hash in the joint, it was sticky and reminded me of liquorice. But I didn’t realise that this was much different..
I started to become numb and thought’s began to rush through my head.
‘I’m in a park with a stranger and he just gave me drugs’ – Isn’t this the very first thing you parents warned you about. The is the perfect scenario for a horrible ending.
My head started racing beyond control with an explosion of thoughts of how bad this situation really could go. My body started to feel as if it was becoming paralysed and I was convinced that my worst fears were about to come true. I felt like I only had moments left until my entire body was going to become paralysed. In desperation I leaped down the stairs and blurted, “I don’t feel well.” ( I had heard my mothers voice telling me to say it)
I leaped down those stairs, looking back now I don’t know how I didn’t fall over with the state that I was in.
In the moment of leaping I felt the whole world freeze. I felt the most over whelming fear I have ever felt in my life. I thought that was it. The at had drugged me and I was about to tumble down those stairs and die. That moment seemed to last forever. I honestly thought in that moment that I had died.
Everything that happened from then onwards was a constant battle to determine whether I was dead and this was just life showing me a motion picture of what my life would have turned out to be. How was I to know the difference. I have never died before.
He chased after me, “Jade, are you okay?” “No.”
I continued to walk towards the hostel, stumbling on the main street of Broadway. I was either dead or had done the smartest thing in the world. My head was that confused that I thought if I could possible still be alive right now, I was minutes away from collapsing and he would catch up to me. All I could think was that I need to get back to the hostel and into the common room. I didn’t want to go back to my room in case nobody was there and I has a seizure or something, as I still heavily believed he had drugged me.
As minutes trickled away, my fear of soon death crossed with confusion “Am I already dead?” and then embarrassment. If I am alive and see the other side of this my actions are rather embarrassing. But right now that didn’t matter.
After a little time and a lot of water I went up to my room. I was still trying to determine If I was alive. I was so scared, terrified, devastated, embarrassed, I hated myself. How could I allow myself to get in such a situation. I wanted to call mum, but I didn’t want to worry her, she was already worried enough, even though I know she would have wanted me to call.
I wanted to do the most comforting thing I could, and at this point in time, it was watching a movie or a TV series.
It calmed me, but my mind was still racing. I kept checking the time and looking at updated facebook statuses, looking for new things my mind had never seen before. Therefore my mind couldn’t just reply memories to fool me that I was alive.
I felt better, but when it was finished I was anxious again, So I started counting sheep.