The Night that I Thought I Died

“I’m not dead, I’m very much alive”

Is the statement I would like to start off with after debating with my mind whether I died 24 hours ago.

me.jpgTravelling by yourself is an emotional roller-coaster. The extremities go from moments that you know will be some of the best times in your life to being the loneliest, scared and lost then you have ever been.

I’m really glad I’ve done this by myself, I needed this, but right now I’m wishing I wasn’t alone.

misDay 3 of travelling alone. I currently feel like I do not want to travel alone again. it’s not that I need to travel by myself, it’s that I need to be with someone that will let me be myself.

I do realise however that this is all new to me and my feelings with probably change. I definitely doesn’t help that I thought I was dead for the last 24 hours.

“How do we know if we die, if we don’t know what it feels like to be dead. What if your mind continues showing you a movie of what your life could have been, and without realising you’re gone, dead and all of your loved ones are mourning.”

trainLet me take you back 24hours.

I went down to the common room in the hostel, hoping I could meet someone else I could click with not that Pasc had left. I saw I guy that I had been introduced to the day earlier but I couldn’t remember his name, he recognised me and we started talking.

“Hey I was thinking of rolling a joint and going for a walk, wanna join?

No is the answer I should have said.

we walked around the corner to a little park area with an amazing view of the bay bridge. we made small talk and got high. I quickly realised that his job is to deal drugs and was offering me a trial of his product. And I started to become more sceptical of his character. He spoke more about the regions were his weed came from. He reminded me of someone I knew but I was too terrified to put my finger on it in fear it was a bad character.
artHe told me there was hash in the joint, it was sticky and reminded me of liquorice. But I didn’t realise that this was much different..

I started to become numb and thought’s began to rush through my head.

‘I’m in a park with a stranger and he just gave me drugs’ – Isn’t this the very first thing you parents warned you about. The is the perfect scenario for a horrible ending.

My head started racing beyond control with an explosion of thoughts of how bad this situation really could go. My body started to feel as if it was becoming paralysed and I was convinced that my worst fears were about to come true. I felt like I only had moments left until my entire body was going to become paralysed. In desperation I leaped down the stairs and blurted, “I don’t feel well.” ( I had heard my mothers voice telling me to say it)

art2.jpgI leaped down those stairs, looking back now I don’t know how I didn’t fall over with the state that I was in.

In the moment of leaping I felt the whole world freeze. I felt the most over whelming fear I have ever felt in my life. I thought that was it. The at had drugged me and I was about to tumble down those stairs and die. That moment seemed to last forever. I honestly thought in that moment that I had died.

Everything that happened from then onwards was a constant battle to determine whether I was dead and this was just life showing me a motion picture of what my life would have turned out to be. How was I to know the difference. I have never died before.

He chased after me, “Jade, are you okay?” “No.”

smoke.jpgI continued to walk towards the hostel, stumbling on the main street of Broadway. I was either dead or had done the smartest thing in the world. My head was that confused that I thought if I could possible still be alive right now, I was minutes away from collapsing and he would catch up to me. All I could think was that I need to get back to the hostel and into the common room. I didn’t want to go back to my room in case nobody was there and I has a seizure or something, as I still heavily believed he had drugged me.

As minutes trickled away, my fear of soon death crossed with confusion “Am I already dead?” and then embarrassment. If I am alive and see the other side of this my actions are rather embarrassing. But right now that didn’t matter.

fairyAfter a little time and a lot of water I went up to my room. I was still trying to determine If I was alive. I was so scared, terrified, devastated, embarrassed, I hated myself. How could I allow myself to get in such a situation. I wanted to call mum, but I didn’t want to worry her, she was already worried enough, even though I know she would have wanted me to call.

I wanted to do the most comforting thing I could, and at this point in time, it was watching a movie or a TV series.

air.jpgIt calmed me, but my mind was still racing. I kept checking the time and looking at updated facebook statuses, looking for new things my mind had never seen before. Therefore my mind couldn’t just reply memories to fool me that I was alive.

I felt better, but when it was finished I was anxious again,  So I started counting sheep.

 

 

 

 

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A Day Eating, Drinking and all things Art in Mission District, California.

Today I went to the Mission District, feeling very flat questioning whether I was actually alive, I searched for an sort of reassurance.

I had a lovely day, even though I was terrified, I knew I just had to push through.

mission.jpgI caught the train to 16th and walked up Mission Street feeling unsure. I went to a few thrift shops, saw a homeless man’s bum, had a decent coffee (FINALLY) at Blue Bottle Coffee, and went to a Mexican restaurant (I actually thought I was in México) – This place was called La Corneta and was highly recommended by locals, a burrito cost be $3 and a large corona cost me $3. I sat and watched a 49ers game in my new 49ers beanie and sat and listened to the Mexican band play.

thrift.jpgAfter lunch I walked down Valencia St which is super trendy – very much Newtown/Degraves St like. I wandered around looking for hippy stores, purchasing a few bracelets to add to my collection. I went to an art gallery and then stumbled upon a cheese bar called ‘Mission Cheese,’ where I guy called Andréa referred me to a wine bar called Barrique. ( My two favorite wines here were the Carigrane and Pinot Noir).

misssionI continued to stroll down to find San Fran’s best ice cream ( I start to notice a lot of fire engines and police race past me and wonder where they are going) and I found some really cool street art. I then proceeded to find Bi -Rite (ice creamery and bakeshop). I very quickly realized where all the emergency services were going! Straight for the Ice cream shop! The place was smoking out but they seemed to have it under control.

sf3.jpgI started my journey home and found a little alleyway full of street art, I took my time to pace the street taking photos and listening into two guys that were painting, ” How good is it to smoke weed and paint all day aannnddd I’m on acid right now.”

I took the train home and spent the afternoon editing photos, I then showered and got ready to take myself on a date to Barrique. Finally I had come to conclusion, I am still alive.

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My First Journal Entry Travelling Solo.

 

15th November 2013

Hello Journal I have never kept.

So I flew Sydney- San Francisco today (it’s actually the 16th at about 2am and I’m currently drunk)passport.jpg

I flew in on a very full plane today, couldn’t see a spare seat, in fact the flight was quite full of Asians, which is odd for this trip I’ve flown many of times before. One lady caught my attention, she looked to me like an Indonesian but I could be wrong. She had her foot up on the side of the chair  and was squatting on the chair with her other foot, yet somehow looked very comfortable. I took the isle seat just across from her isle and noticed the guy sitting beside looked very ‘snow bum’ like, I knew he would have been going over for the snow season, but I was too scared to ask. leaf.jpg

This was my first time travelling solo and I was trying to become a little more outgoing and friendly. But the thought of starting a conversation with a stranger overwhelmed me. I knew it was silly but every time I tried to speak nothing came out. So instead for the 13 hour flight I sat in silence.

Customs took a long time, as I mentioned before there were a lot of Asians and from what I could see they were causing a bit of a hold up from their lack of English speaking and writing skills. It took me 2 hours to get through, and who should I be standing next to, but the snow bum again. plane

Seriously I really need to pull my act together, how am I going to make any friends if I can’t even say hi to a stranger??!

“Are you working the snow season, you look like a bit of a snow bum?”

He was, we didn’t chat much. But I did it, one step at a time eh?

I took the shuttle to the hostel (Green Tortoise) and was still feeling very nervous, there weren’t  many people about, so I took a nap and waited for my dorm mates to arrive. But they didn’t.

At 4.30pm I went downstairs to help with dinner. The Green Tortoise hostel offers free dinner 3 times a week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday in SF) and If you help cook the dinner they chuck you a few free beers! One of the many reasons green tortoise is my favourite hostel in the world.

sf.jpgI introduced myself the Chef, an Italian man called Agedio (Well that’s how it sounded..) Who rambled on about my beauty and followed me around the kitchen telling me how one day he would marry me, he made me laugh. We cooked tacos and I tell you what they were some of the best tacos I’ve eaten and for FREE! I noticed a few guys jamming in the corner but was still too nervous to say anything, however one of the girls that noticed I walked in with the guitar asked me about it and went and told the guys with guitars. Soon enough they were all calling me over to play, a few strums into the sing and hostel reception came over and asked me to play a gig for Monday night! (this was a bit of a booster for me)

pasc.jpgDinner was had and friends were made. I met two girls Siri and Pasc who were both staying in my dorm room. And the three of us headed out in search of alcohol and found a bottle of Smirnoff for $17. We wandered the streets and stopped outside the church of scientology making jokes about how we wanted to go inside. Little did we know that someone from the church was listening into our conversation and thought we were being serious, he came down to us and insisted we came inside. Feeling a little guilty and slightly obliged we followed inside, giggling like the drunk young girls we were, not to mention we had alcohol stuffed in our jackets. After 10 minutes we eventually found the courage to explain we weren’t interested  and hurried back to the hostel to drink with the others. Agedio appeared again and joined with us to drink, telling us stories about how he smuggles weed across the Mexican border in his underwear.

pasc2.jpgNext thing I know, there guys in ponchos selling brownies and all sorts, yet no one seemed to think this was unusual.  We headed out looking for a club and on the way started talking to some police offices who then proceeded to tell us the places we should go tonight. We went into gay bars and reggae bars – collecting strange characters on the way and eventually found our way to a saloon which was San Fran’s oldest bar. Pasc and I created a lot of attention for ourselves and I received many compliments on my freshly bright red hair- I had been blonde my entire life. And I needed to make some drastic changed to my life.

And that was my first day travelling solo.